Shook the Spot

This is how Shook is feeling this morning . . .

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia says anybody who thinks his Sicilian gesture was obscene has been watching “too many episodes of ‘The Sopranos,’ ” but a star of the TV mob hit says such body language is just as injudicious in real life.

“It’s an obscenity,” Joseph Gannascoli, who plays capo Vito Spatafore on the HBO drama “The Sopranos,” said of Scalia’s gesture, which involved flicking his hand under his chin. [ . . . ]

“It’s not like grabbing your crotch, not that bad an obscenity,” Gannascoli said. “But it’s an obscenity. It’s something you would do after paying a bookie, to your bookie, but not something you would do in church.” [Boston Herald] [see also]

TERROR . . .

The most memorable moment of Terica Washington's 30th birthday Monday was looking into the sky and seeing an airplane towing a black banner with words written in white: "6/6/06 You have been warned".

She was alarmed enough to call the FBI.

Turns out, of course, that Osama bin Laden was not flying the plane. But the banner was an omen, or rather an advertisement for the forthcoming remake of The Omen, that 1976 end-of-days horror flick. "I thought it might be terrorists," Washington said of the banner. The producers of the movie released this statement . . .

This weekend, Twentieth Century Fox will introduce 'The Omen' to a whole new generation, telling spring breakers, You have been warned! from the sky. We're thrilled that the college students in Daytona have responded so enthusiastically to the sky banners.

Honestly, we've already been warned from the sky. But thanks anyway.

MommaVoz asks a key question that we've been avoiding . . .

Here's a question for you: what's the significance of the Buddhist monks? Other than that his Asian ICU doctor kind of looks like one, and he saw him as he came in and out of consciousness, I don't get the monks. But interesting, isn't it, that his seemingly straight businessman alter-ego is accused of cheating these symbols of purity?

Shook has some thoughts on the matter, but they'll have to wait until at least tonight. To start superficially, here's what an online dream dictionary has to say . . .

To see a monk in your dream, signifies devotion, faith, and spiritual enlightenment.

That helps like not at all. But okay. So why did that one monk, in episode two, bitchslap Finnerty in front of the elevator? And just before that scene, what was the meaning of that message on the television in the bar . . . "Are sin, disease, and death real?" . . . perhaps echoed at the end of episode three, when Tony asks, "I'm dead, right?" (EW notes there was also some footage of a brush fire on the bar TV. Hell?) And to paraphrase another monk, "One day, we will die, and then there will be no more I or me. We will be just as that tree." Look, it's an existential crisis, clearly. ''My whole life is in that case,'' Finnerty pleads outside the mansion. ''I'm 46 years old. Who am I? Where am I going?'' Buddhist monks fit that milieu, in general, but is there a deeper meaning?

"SKIP'S GONNA MAKE IT" . . . THE SOPRANOS — SEASON 6, EPISODE 3 . . . "MAYHAM" . . . JAMES GANDOLFINI WAKES UP, A NEW MAN . . . CHRISSY WRITES HIS OWN ENDING . . . AJ, UNARMED, HITS A&E . . . CARMELLA BARES ALL ON THE COUCH . . . AND THE LADIES MACBETH

Shook and the gang huddled on the Upper West last night for Vietnamese takeout and a high-definition showing of episode three. As Paulie rambled on at Tony's bedside, the skipper's heartrate climbing to fatal levels, we laughed hysterically and gasped in horror at the same time. It was, in short, the classic Sopranos mindfuck. What other television show could prompt audible pleading . . . "No! No!" . . . from a professional entertainment critic (fellow-ette's beau and im.bitch's bro)? And speaking of that scene, The Star-Ledger . . . which made a cameo last night with Silvio on the can . . . raises the issue of Tony's trip to the Finnerty family reunion. (Thanks to Yo, It's . . . for the link.) Was the boss on his way to heaven? Now, Shook has never been much of a believer in the afterlife, but isn't Tony more of a candidate for hell? (The Ledger goes on for a bit about purgatory, but that seems baseless . . . ) In any event, if the house scene was simply in Tony's mind . . . and since heaven is bullshit, let's just make that assumption . . . then it's notable for other reasons. Tony thinks he's going to heaven? He thinks his mother is in heaven? He thinks heaven is a white mansion adorned with Christmas lights? But whatevs . . . Tony lives another episode . . .

Or, at least, James Gandolfini lives another episode. As Tony? Perhaps. But wait . . . "What if I am Kevin Finnerty?" As a Veteran of Future Wars noted, the teaser for next Sunday, which showed the big man running the show again from his hospital room, did nothing to dispel the possibility that . . . Tony has become a totally deranged psychotic who thinks he is Kevin Finnerty. But then who's going to order the hit on Junior?

And on that note, we learned that AJ is trying to follow through on his promise of revenge, while the captains make a halfassed attempt to thwart him. (Noted . . . the Sopranos sequel we mentioned in jest last week could take the form of a Growing Up Gotti knockoff on A&E.) Bobby points out that with Junior in federal lock-up, nobody can get to him. Really? The family doesn't have anyone on the inside who could pull off the job? Not that they would without Tony's blessing, and who knows how he'll feel after this brush with death. Clearly, he'll need some time with Dr. Melfi . . .

. . . who's two-timing Tony with Carmella!! Dubya tee eff?? That's totally not kosher. Of course, what about Dr. Melfi's role in the Soprano family has been kosher? Still, she shouldn't have told Carmella that Tony said their marriage had been better of late. (This now concludes Shook's digression on psychiatric ethics.) Carmella catches onto the whole therapy thing pretty quick, and starts singing like a canary about Tony's dirty life. "I don't know if I married him in spite of his life"—and here, in the dramatic pause, fellow-ette's brother called the line—"or because of it."

But while Carmella squirms over her place in the mob, the other wives continue to play the Ladies Macbeth. (In fairness, Gene's wife is, thus far, the only one to actually suggest offing Tony.) Silvio's beau, Gabriella . . . played by Stephen Van Zandt's actual wife, Maureen . . . was loving her time as "the [acting] princess of Little Italy" (to borrow Paulie's description of Carmella). How about that shot of the Van Zandts in the mirror? Unbelievable. Little known Sopranos trivia . . . Stephen Van Zandt originally auditioned for the role of Tony Soprano. So that subplot was as much a meta inside joke as it was a natural subplot. (Mark that as inside joke number two of this season, if you agree with Alessandra Stanley that the "There's no retiring from this" line in the premiere was HBO talking to David Chase.)

And then there was, of course, what was arguably among the most hilarious Sopranos subplot in years . . . Chrissy's reforay into Hollywood. "So he's kinda out-shining his own boss, so the guy has him clipped. But! He's alive when they cut him up." It wouldn't be the most ridiculous way for the show to end . . .

Okay, Shook is currently pilfering a free wireless connection at the 73rd and 3rd Starbucks. My entry into the life of crime . . . (Shit, well, Shook was on free wi-fi right up until the moment this shit was ready to post, but then it fucking cut out. So now we're back at the Shook pad in Scarsdale, on paid wi-fi, making it official . . . ) But gotta run. There was a whole lot of other shit and much more to say about the above, so hit up the comments . . .

"Cowbell," Tapes 'N Tape

"OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN / STAY THERE!" . . . THE SOPRANOS — SEASON 6, EPISODE 2 . . . "JOIN THE CLUB" . . . AJ VOWS REVENGE . . . CHRISTOPHER FIGHTS TERRORISM . . . THE FAMILY HUDDLES . . . AND INTRODUCING KEVIN FINNERTY AS TONY'S ALTEREGO . . . WHIP OUT DAD'S TWELVE-DISC TONY BENNETT BOX SET

We hear Meadow read her comatose father the first four lines of "Pater Noster," the Jacques Prevert poem translated by Lawrence Ferlinghetti, which may have been the most surprising moment of the episode. (Yes, more surprising than AJ.) The rest of what she recited to Tony . . .

Our Father who art in heaven
Stay there
And we'll stay here on earth
Which is sometimes so lovely
With its mysteries of New York
And its mysteries of Paris
At least as good as that of the Trinity
With its little canal at Ourcq
Its great wall of China
Its river at Morlaix
Its candy canes
With its Pacific Ocean
And its two basins in the Tuileries
With its good children and bad people
With all the wonders of the world
Which are here
Simply on the earth
Offered to everyone
Strewn about
Wondering at the wonder of themselves
And daring not avow it
As a naked pretty girl dares not show herself
With the world's outrageous misfortunes
Which are legion
With legionaries
With torturers
With the masters of this world
The masters with their priests their traitors and their troops
With the seasons
With the years
With the pretty girls and with the old bastards
With the straw of misery rotting in the steel
of cannons.

But while Meadow tiptoes around her relationship with Dad, the longhaired AJ gets right to the heart of the matter. Honestly, the first thought that came to my mind as AJ vowed revenge on Uncle Junior at Tony's hospital bedside was . . . sequel! Jesus fucking christ. When AJ was introduced in the montage that opened the premiere, the Burroughs line we heard was, "Number five is Ka, the Double, most closely associated with the subject. The Ka, which usually reaches adolescence at the time of bodily death, is the only reliable guide through the Land of the Dead." So yeah . . . jesus fucking christ. But AJ failing out of colllege . . . best life decision ever.

Suffice it to say, Shook shed a tear during one of the hospital scenes. Twist raises a good point . . . we're gonna need some transcripts of the Carmella monologues. (On a related note, did anyone recognize the voice of Kevin Finnerty's wife? Thought it might have been the Mercedes saleswoman who killed herself after Tony dumped her.) And we've got to throw out some theories on the hole in Tony's stomach. Who is Kevin Finnerty?

"The moles, they digging through your sprinklers, too?"

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY . . . THE SOPRANOS — SEASON 6, EPISODE 2 . . . "JOIN THE CLUB" . . . NEW DEETS ON THE SHOOTING . . . IF ONLY TONY HAD A LifeAlert EMERGENCY PENDANT . . . SPOILER IN THE EPISODE SYNOPSIS . . . CHIANESE SEES HIMSELF IN SIX FLAGS GUY . . . NEW YORK TIMES NOT OPTIMISTIC FOR TONY TURNAROUND . . . "HE IS CERTAINLY OFF TO A BAD START"

Last week's premiere ended without the customary, "Next week on . . . " HBO, one imagines, wisely concluded that any shots of episode two could blow the suspense of Tony's kitchen-floor problem. The official one-sentence description of tonight's episode is, "A west-coast business trip turns into a case of mistaken identity." Shook won't spoil it for anyone, but the synopsis used to include a major spoiler, until HBO apparently realized the mistake and edited that shit out. (A number of fan sites, including this one, picked up the original synopsis, if you're curious.) But speaking of the Tony shooting, critics and fans have noticed some new details—new to me, at least—of that fateful scene . . .

Wikipedia describes the scene thusly, "Uncle Junior, suffering from dementia, thinks Tony is 'Little Pussy' Malanga breaking into his house, and shoots him in the abdomen. Tony is left bleeding on his uncle's kitchen floor after dialing 911." Junior thought Tony was Pussy Malanga? Shook, for one, had totally missed that. The painstakingly detailed Television Without Pity recap notes how Malanga figured into the hole-digging scene at the start . . .

Tony is digging holes in Uncle Jun's backyard. Tony hasn't found anything. Uncle Junior insists that he has $40,000 buried there, his share from some '70s heist. Tony suggests that the money wasn't wrapped right and disintegrated. Junior thinks that his old nemesis, Pussy Malanga, is behind it. You may recall that, in the very first episode, Tony started a fire at Vesuvio to prevent Uncle Junior from whacking Pussy Malanga there, so nice callback. Tony looks annoyed, and Uncle Junior looks more confused than usual. Tony reminds Junior that Pussy Malanga's been dead for six years. A neighbor pauses on her back porch to see what Tony's yelling about, and Tony yells, "Moles! They digging through your sprinklers too?" The neighbor wisely heads inside without replying. Tony more gently tells Jun that they can keep looking later, and leads an agitated Junior inside.

And the shooting is described as such . . .

Tony puts dry pasta into some boiling water in Junior's kitchen as he bops around to the music from the radio. He walks to the stairs and yells upstairs to Junior that dinner will be ready in ten minutes. Junior asks who it is, and says, "Don't go anywhere!" Tony heads into the living room and starts looking through record albums. Junior shuffles down the stairs and over to Tony, shouts something in Italian that includes the word "Malanga," and then pulls out a gun and shoots Tony in the gut.

Did everyone else catch that? Christ. Also, Dominic Chianese confirmed it all in an online chat with The Washington Post last Monday . . .

Washington, D.C.: Why did you shoot Tony? What did you say to him when you pulled the trigger? Did you find your teeth?

Dominic Chianese: I think there was something on my mind more important than finding my teeth and there was no logic at all to the actual incident. I think he was strictly acting on emotion and fear.

I called out a name Malanga, Pussy Malanga, somebody known by Uncle Junior in a former time. In other words it was threat to Malanga. I thought I was shooting him.

No, didn't find my teeth. I ran into a closet.

The whole thing is worth reading, really. (Some new info . . . the rest of the cast was kept in the dark about Tony's shooting.) But here's one particular gem . . .

Alexandria, Va.: [ . . . ] You are incredible on this show, and I mean no disrespect, but ... you know that dancing guy on the Six Flags commercials? Do you see a certain resemblance to yourself?

Dominic Chianese: LAUGHS. No resemblance whatsoever but it makes me laugh. I can see why. It's the glasses and the bald head. I definitely relate to that. It's probably a young kid dressed up like that guy. I've heard that from bus drivers in New York too.

And before tonight's episode, two final thoughts on the premiere. First, from today's cracked-out editorial in the Times, "Dark Days for Tony Soprano" . . .

This season's opener attracted 9.5 million viewers, down from the 12.1 million who watched the previous one. That may be due to the show's unusually long hiatus, and to competition from ABC's "Desperate Housewives." But some viewers are no doubt turning away because they suspect that Tony's life story is not going to end happily, and they may be reluctant to watch the narrative arc of a character they have come to care about start pointing relentlessly downward. Tony could still have breakthroughs, in therapy and in life. But starting the season lying in a pool of his own blood, not knowing if help will arrive, he is certainly off to a bad start.

Whaaaaaaat? Ratings are down because viewers fear an unhappy ending? Absolutely not. Nope. Not even, like, a little. That doesn't make any sense. The Times rattles off a list of "dark and bloody" scenes from the premiere as though it were particularly darker and bloodier than your average Sopranos episode. The show's viewers know better than to expect a cheery resolution to the series.

So as for potential resolutions, Shook mentioned the TWP recap earlier. It's really fantastic. And one theory floated there focuses on . . . oh yeah . . . the "Seven Souls" reading by Burroughs in the opening montage. We've given the poem a bunch of ink, and TWP provides a handy guide to what was playing on screen as we heard each line, "just in case it's important later." That gets TWP thinking . . .

So here's a theory. The seven souls departing are the people or events that are going to betray or otherwise lead to Tony's ultimate downfall at the end of the series (death, prison, take your pick). So in order, they were: Vito, Janice, Bobby, Gene, Meadow and Finn, Ray Curto, AJ, Adriana, and Carmela. And if you read the whole poem, Burroughs posits that Ka (AJ) is the only one you can trust. Interesting.

Indeed. Final question, then it's time to move on to episode two . . . What was the deal with Agent Harris throwing up in the very first scene of the season? There was no further explanation of that, right? Okay, whatever. T-minus eight hours . . .

SUNDAY STYLES . . . IN 60 SECONDS

Videoconferencing with your divorced parent is exactly like videoconferencing with anyone else, but specific enough to justify a new article on the technology . . . Speaking of which, it really was about time that the Times weighed in on celebrity sex tapes . . . The ubiquitious Bill Cunningham manages to shoot "On the Street" from Paris and "Evening Hours" from Manhattan (the latter of which is, mysteriously, not online) . . . In "Modern Love," the author grapples with the inconveniences of marriage to a dude serving 20 years in jail for murder. Oddly, she does not grapple with being married to a murderer . . . All you need to know about the "Vows" couple — "They met at a grave site . . . When planning the wedding, it seemed only logical to tie the knot in the first place they met" . . . Number of Ivy League mentions in "Weddings & Celebrations" — 12 . . . "W&C" in a nutshell — "The bride, a magna cum laude graduate of Yale, and the bridegroom, who graduated magna cum laude from Harvard, met at Yale, from which both received law degrees" . . . Annnnnnnnnnd, the obligatory Arctic Monkeys namedrop comes in "BoÎte" — "there have been rumors" that the band "will be stopping by for a pint" at The Annex when they're in town later this month. But Shook isn't sure they'll meet the club's dress code, described by the Times as "Ludlow cool meets Charnaby chic." If you have any idea what that means, hit up the comments . . .

SPOTTED TODAY IN SCARSDALE VILLAGE . . . Nick "Win a Trip With Nick Kristof" Kristof disembarking the 5:31 p.m. Metro-North express from Grand Central at the Scarsdale train station . . . He promptly crossed East Parkway and walked down Spencer Place to the pharmacy . . . Picking up a batch of small pox vaccine for his next trip to the third world? More likely, Rogaine . . . And with that, Kristof was off to his car (sorry, didn't catch the specs) and home to what we can only imagine is a lovely, malaria-free Scarsdale estate, safe from ethnic cleansing and the rest of the world's problems.

Since this blog's inception in late February, Shook the Spot's readership has consisted entirely of LowDiHa alumni and the occassional sap finding his way over here from im.bitch. And that's how it should be, you know? But today, Shook blew up like Mike Jones . . . thanks to a seven-year-old girl. The sun has yet to set, but we've already had 188 unique visitors, most of them having searched Google for Autumn Ashante, the precocious poet on her way to becoming the next Amiri Baraka. We wrote about her . . . well, ripped off a Journal News piece about her . . . on Tuesday. So welcome to all of you getting your shake on for the first time today.

Shook couldn't help but notice, though, how many of you are coming from some pretty creepy domain names . . . including the National Institute of Health, the City of Dayton, the City of New York, the Internal Revenue Service, and the United States Air Force. Autumn, I'd watch your back. The Man is googling you.

Google searches that have led folks to Shook the Spot in the five hours since noon today . . .

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"Bluebird," One Self
"Too Much Drugs In Ur System (Ghislain Poirier Remix)," Lady Fury

O . . . M . . . G . . . ! . . . MACAULAY CULKIN WROTE A BOOK? . . . "YOU REMEMBER THIS. YOU REMEMBER IT BECAUSE I REMEMBER IT" . . . EVEN THE COVER IS CRACKED OUT . . . THE REVIEWS ARE IN — "SELF-INDULGENTLY INFANTILE BOOK" . . . A MIRAMAX-WEINSTEIN PUBLICATION . . . IM.BITCH IS GONNA LOVE THIS

Click the image for a good luck at that masterpiece. Judging this book by its cover, Macaulay Culkin is clearly still awesome and strung out on coke. Even the official book description by Miramax-Weinstein Books can barely muster a kind word . . .

In a dizzying kaleidoscope of words and images, actor and writer Macauley Culkin takes readers on a twisted tour to the darkest corners of his fertile imagination. Part memoir, part rant, part comedic tour de force, Junior is full of the hard-won wisdom of Culkin's quest to come to terms with the awesome pressures of childhood mega-stardom and family dysfunction. He understands that "having fun and being happy are two totally different things," yet at the same time he warns, "the end of the world is coming — and I'm going to have unfinished business." Searingly honest and brain-teasingly inventive, Junior is breathtaking proof that Culkin has found his own utterly original voice.

Part memoir, part rant, part comedic tour de force? Sounds like it . . .


That's Culkin at his first-ever book reading and signing in a Manhattan Barnes & Noble on Tuesday. Awwwww hahaahh ahhhahaa h haahaha ha ha hahah. The Publishers Weekly review is unbelievable . . . "Early on, Junior notes that he's 'not a writer,' and few readers will argue." Snap! More . . .

This self-indulgently infantile book is a novel in only the loosest sense: it looks and reads more like a book-length zine. Amid quizzes, comics, poetry, journal entries, lists (one to-do: "Pump my own gas") and bits of narrative, child star Culkin, through the persona of Junior [ . . . ]

Stop right there. Shook is off to Borders to get a copy of this shit . . .

"The Light + Heartbeats," Common feat. Erika Badu (Dert Remix)
"Two Words + Slow Moves," Kanye West feat. Mos Def & Freeway (Dert Remix)

"YOU'RE ONLY AS GOOD AS YOUR LAST ENVELOPE" . . . TONY NETS $1 MIL PER EPISODE FOR FINAL EIGHT . . . CAPTAINS LOOK TO RE-UP AS WELL . . . SPAT WITH HBO — IT'S NOT TV, IT'S CONTRACT NEGOTIATIONS . . . JOURNAL, TIMES TRY THEIR HANDS AT LAME MAFIA PUNS

Key Sopranos news out of The Wall Street Journal ("'Sopranos' Actors Take Another Whack At Their Contracts") and The New York Times ("Mob Moss Takes Hit; Housewife Implicated") today . . .

— Ratings for Sunday night's premiere (9.5 million viewers) were down from the premiere of the fifth season (12.1 million) nearly two years ago. HBO execs blame Desperate Housewives, On Demand, and 9/11. (Actually, not so much 9/11, which showed remarkable restraint. Unlike ABC execs, who blamed a small dip for Housewives on "four small stations in the Midwest that pre-empted the show due to severe weather.")

— James Gandolfini will get "in the neighborhood of $1 million an episode" for the final eight episdoes of The Sopranos. Edie Falco and Lorraine Braco are also renegotiating their contracts. Other regulars—including Michael Imperioli, Tony Sirico, Steven Van Zandt, and Steven Schirripa—want to see some extra cash as well.

— But HBO contends that the bonus eight episodes, which begin production in June, do not constitute a separate season, so the captains don't have a right to renegotiate. Chrissy, Paulie, and the gang say that's bullshit. The Journal has no idea who's right, and concludes only, "If an actor chooses to call HBO's bluff and walk off the show, it could play havoc with plot plans for future scripts."

— Still, an HBO spokesman said, "We're confident that everyone will be signed for the last eight episodes." Unless, of course, David Chase coveniently ices them.

 #  hustle hard on the block (3) 8:36 PM